“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” – Psalm 139:23-24

I’ve finished Tim Keller’s book “Counterfeit Gods” and have not been disappointed.  I highly recommend it to you.  The men’s study I lead is going through it and it is a remarkable book. 

Finishing the book was the culmination of a solid year of heart searching about why I do all that I do.  I must humbly and embarrassingly admit that what I’ve found in the recesses of my heart was not good.  Most of it is indicative of how easily I’ve made idols out of the good things in my life.   When things become about me, I tend to become selfish and envious of those who have what I want.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.” – Philippians 2:3

“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” – James 3:14

I’ve often wondered what the context for this verse in James was all about.  Why would anyone “boast” about his or her bitter envy and selfish ambition?  The neighboring verses shine light on the subject.  In the pursuit of vain glory (honor for oneself), a person must exalt themselves and their thinking to the highest place.  Often what drives the egomaniac is selfish ambition.  These supposed people of wisdom have a self-centered motivation.  Conceit leads to all sorts of dysfunction.

“The acts of the sinful nature are obvious:  sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like.  I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” – Galatians 5:19-21

When people have influence for motives that are pure, certain characteristics will manifest themselves.

“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” – James 3:17

A year ago I might have read or written the previous 350 words and concluded that I needed to try harder to please God.  Bear down…bear fruit!   Not any more.  I’m realizing as never before that my compulsions, my behavioral abnormalities (yes…my sin), is merely an echo of what my soul is truly crying out for from my Creator, my Father, my God.

My response – and the one I’d encourage you to have in response to greater awareness of your brokenness – is to run into the presence of God.  Don’t walk.  Run.  Flee to the Savior for refuge.  It is because of Christ’s finished work that we can run to God.  Jesus has redeemed us and credited His righteousness to us so we're perfect in the Father’s sight right now.  And He knows how we struggle.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” – Hebrews 4:15-16

Jesus is the high priest who opens the way for us to be able to search our sinful hearts and not completely collapse when we see just how bad they are inside.  And looking inside makes us once again realize just how fortunate we are to have a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love.